Interview with influencer Lívia Mitterpach
Today we're meeting Lívia, an inspirational mum, who supports parents on their journey to self-discovery, assertiveness and building healthy relationships on Instagram @mamina_s_hranicami. Lívia believes in MUTUAL respect and emphasises, that a happy parent is the foundation of happy parenting. In this interview, we'll be sharing her experiences,
tips and advice with her, tips and advice, how to set healthy boundaries in relationships with children and those around you. We'll learn about her ebooks and the "Become a Mum with Boundaries" course, and what is key for her in working with parents. Finally, we will share her vision for the future.
I believe that the interview with Lívia will be an inspiration and motivation for you to build healthy and respectful relationships.
About motherhood and coping with its demands:
Many mothers struggle with feelings of pressure and unrealistic expectations about motherhood. How do you manage to maintain a healthy balance between caring for your child, caring for yourself and relaxing?
Now I may sound bad, but I think the biggest pressure is put on themselves by the mothers themselves. With their ideas of what all they have to achieve, what all they have to manage and how they must never ask for help, because only failures do that. I understand that's how they were raised. I understand that at home they heard their grandmothers and mothers grumbling about neighbours who did not meet their ideas of housekeeping. And naturally, they don't want to be criticised in this way by the women in their family (or men). The way out of this, in my opinion, is through self-knowledge, in the boundaries that I can put around myself, but also myself. Working with thoughts, experiences, mindfulness, education... You probably expected me to tell you that once a week my husband looks after HIS own child and I put on a face mask. But that's not how I work. 🙂
What advice would you give to mothers who feel overwhelmed and burnt out?
Practice mindfulness, connect with yourself, with your experiences. Try to answer questions like:
“What do I feel and when do I feel it? Is there a greater occurrence of my anger when I’m hungry or when I don’t get enough sleep? Do I eat regular, nutritious meals? Do I drink enough water? Am I overwhelming myself with my phone? When do I feel like it's all too much? Do I need a hot coffee? How can I set up communication with my child so they understand that I am important too? How can I cope with my child crying for 6 minutes while I'm on the toilet?”
I believe that when we start listening to our body and learn to communicate our needs appropriately to those around us, things will improve. Of course, if we're talking about burnout, when women are only able to look ahead, then a psychologist or psychiatrist is important. And it's nothing to be ashamed of.
What do you think is most important for mums to feel happy and confident in their role?
When "my mums" ask me how to stop feeling completely incapable, I ask them a counter-question: "Would you have these thoughts, these reproaches, or these doubts if other people or the internet didn't exist?" Many times we realise that we are excited about something we have done, and we open the internet and find that we have irreparably ruined our child's life. The bubble of enthusiasm bursts and we start to doubt. But if we can accept the fact that there will always be someone who disagrees with what we do, it can bring a pleasant harmony to life. And that's exactly what I go by. I know why I do what I do, I know my child, I have a reason for my actions.
However, I would add that a healthy balance needs to be found here too. In the best faith, I can put the child in a "walker", but in reality it harms them. It's good to listen to the opinion of an expert on this topic, etc.
About finding the "middle ground" and avoiding extremes:
In your profile, you emphasise the importance of finding the "middle ground" between extremes. What does that mean for you in practice?
I believe that extremes will always breed extremes. From black to white, ignoring the spectrum. Many of us have probably noticed the consequences that authoritarian parenting, the so-called 'block of flats' parenting of the 80s, has left on the population. Even though we understand why it happened, it was still quite an extreme in places. These children grew up, and what happened? They said they wouldn't allow their children to experience the same thing and did everything the opposite way. And by everything, I mean everything. An upbringing without boundaries, without respect for the parent and other people, weak parents with their own traumas, who created new traumas for their children because they placed an enormous burden on them in the form of responsibility for their entire lives.
Two-year-old children were supposed to decide when to go to sleep, whether to brush their teeth, or were left to their emotions. Although parents were present, the children were no longer punished for anger. On the other hand, no one taught them what was happening inside them and what they could do about it.
Personally, I believe that free upbringing is just as harmful as authoritarian upbringing.
The result is again just children or adolescents who have no idea who they are, where they are in life and what to do with themselves. They don't know how to communicate, because while the former were not allowed to say what they needed, the latter only know 'I want!' and 'Give!'
Where the former don't believe they can achieve anything and so prefer not to try anything, the latter think they will come, see, and conquer. But that doesn't happen, and they don't know what to do about it, because no one taught them frustration tolerance.
Personally, I consider the Middle Ground to be when a child can freely but still assertively express their opinion, when they understand that others have opinions too. When they are able to create an agreement or compromise. If they are able to create relationships where there is no winner and loser, but both are partners who respect each other. Absolutely key in this is the self-worth of the parent, their ability to communicate their needs, and thereby teach the child too. Setting boundaries around oneself, and the child also learns to work with boundaries. In my relationship with our daughter, I am guided by two questions:
- Am I okay with this, with that? Am I comfortable with it this way?
- If I were in my daughter's shoes right now, what would I need my husband to do? What would help me?
How do you deal with critical voices and the pressures of the environment that try to dictate what 'correct' motherhood should look like?
I call it “the charm of my personality” because I don't remember anyone ever daring to criticise me 😀. And although the internet is a crazy place, there isn't any strong criticism there either.
How can we find a healthy balance between intuition and a healthy dose of rational thinking in childcare?
As I mentioned above - when we ask ourselves what we would need from our partners if we were now in the situation our children are in - we will find all the answers there.
If I broke something, would it help me if my husband started shouting at me? When I come home angry from work, will it be okay for me if my husband sends me to the bedroom to calm down and allows me to return only when I behave normally?
Always turn it on yourself. You will always find the right answer or reaction.
About support and community building:
Your profile has become a great space for sharing and support among mums. What is most important to you in building community and mutual support?
Like every proper mother, I went into motherhood thinking that all other mothers are cows, only I am an aeroplane, so I will barricade myself in my bubble and not meet anyone. 😀 But then I came to my senses and realised that there are also mums with similar views to me, and thank goodness there are not a few of them. The most important thing in building trust and safety is not to judge. It's very difficult. But nothing is impossible. Mums know that they'll find understanding with me for everything they feel, what they're going through, for the thoughts they're afraid to even write down, let alone say or share with their family. When I see that a message on Instagram starts with 'Hi, I can only say this to you', I know something wild is coming 🙂 But I'm very grateful for this trust in me. And mainly, that these women aren't alone in this. They don't keep it to themselves. They don't think they're the only ones in the world with such a thought or impulsive behaviour. That they aren't alone in this. That's probably my main motivation.
What types of support and help can mums find on your profile?
With over 500 posts sharing my thoughts, experiences with my daughter, reflections, insights, and analogies, you certainly won't find anything like it on another 'mummy' profile 🙂 Feel free to message me, share, or ask questions anytime... If you need help with a deeper or more complex issue, you can get advice via video call or use popular voice messages on WhatsApp, which you can record whenever you have time, and I'll reply.
What would you say to mums who are afraid to speak up and ask for help?
I'll put it bluntly, but I think it's the most accurate way to say it.
You will survive without your child. They won't survive without you. You are the most important thing. Your physical and mental health. You can't water flowers with an empty watering can. Keep in mind that the problem is where YOU feel it. Not where someone tells you that you have the right to feel it. If you see a problem with your child not sleeping well at night, address it! Don't be lulled into thinking that your neighbour's child sleeps much worse and that it's normal, after all, they are children. If you have a problem with boundaries, address it. Don't listen to others that it's just a rebellious phase and nothing can be done about it.
And most importantly - don't get emotionally depressed that you have a healthy child, so what more could you want.
About sharing knowledge and experience:
You offer mums various forms of support, such as e-books, online courses and voice messages. What motivates you to share your knowledge and experience with others?
I am most motivated by the messages I receive from mums who thank me for improving their relationships with their children thanks to my profile and my words and thoughts. That's always very powerful for me. I always tell them it's not thanks to me. But thanks to them. And thanks to them giving it a chance. To try it differently, to try something new, to trust yourself and your child to handle it.
What are the most frequent questions and problems that mums turn to you with?
I am mainly followed by mums on maternity leave, so the hot topics are boundaries, hitting from the child, various social interactions such as lending things, toys, physical contact with the family, visits to the doctor, the period of the child's first independence (the term "Period of Defiance" used in literature), etc.
And of course, above all this, there is one big topic, and that is managing the child's emotions and, first and foremost, managing your own emotions.
What advice would you give to mums who want to start sharing their own experiences and knowledge with others?
Let them start. That's the most important thing. Start. And they'll see how it develops from there. 🙂
What message would you give our readers as a final thought?
Parenting is primarily about the parent. Only then about the child.
What are your future plans and goals for your profile?
In the coming period, I plan to focus more on active education in the form of online courses or webinars, and I also plan offline activities, which I am very much looking forward to. I will continue to try to distance myself from “trauma profiles” and, rather than writing pathetic and self-pitying posts about how hard we had it as children, which may bring likes but don't really solve anything...I will continue to write about what to do about it in adulthood, how to avoid generational crap, as I call it. My main goal will be to help women feel more competent and confident in parenting.
